After five years, and one previous failed attempt, I have closed my Facebook account. A few things have happened in the recent past that made me question the site and my presence on it. There are eight main reasons that I have decided to part ways with Mark Zuckerburg and I know you think them too.
1. There is a reason I haven't seen you in 8 years, asshole.
Recently, I totally lost the rag when someone that I have not met in eight years put a snide comment up on my husband's status. This started a domino effect of me responding snarkily, me being annoyed with myself for responding, me being annoyed with myself for wasting so much time being annoyed and me being annoyed with myself for being 'on' Facebook.
2. Can you see me now?
I had started to question the wiseness of those of us on Facebook when I nosily looked up the name of a recruiter to see that their page was totally public and included dozens of unprofessional status updates and photos. What a dope, I thought. Oh wait a minute, is my Facebook private?
3. Sneery me.
I spend much of my time wondering why people haven't been fired or advised by close friends or relatives to stop putting shit up on Facebook. I am one of them. I, the blogger, am worse than all of them. There are the classic few that everyone is friends with. The older, newer Facebook contributor whose statuses are a direct message to one person: "Hi Barbra I just want to let you know the dog is fine. Call you in a while. Love, Margaret". The drunken 3am Facebooker, "I just love my Darren, he's the best." It's not particularly offensive, but somehow, it's annoying.
4. Dance like noone is watching.
At least Margaret is giving it a go, though. Get involved people. Don't lurk. I don't like that I didn't even realise you were on Facebook but you know everything that is going on.
5. I just want to watch TV.
I read that the average Facebooker goes onto the site six times a day and spends over an hour per day on it. Is that not just a bit mad that we're all spending as much time on Facebook as we are eating? And that we are on Facebook while we are eating? I am one of those people. I found that I couldn't even sit through a TV programme without having a quick scroll to see if anything new had come up, which it usually hadn't. The overwhelming need for entertainment, engagement and stimulation is tiring. Now I use that time productively, with Wordfeud.
6. Like me please.
I would hazard a guess that my young brother-in-law could put up a status about taking a dump and he would garner two hundred 'likes' in an hour or so. I, on the other hand, might attract forty or so 'likes' over a two week period for, for example, giving birth. I am needy enough without you Facebook.
7. The Social Network.
I don't understand the privacy thing. I have tried to read into it, but all I can gather is that Mark Zuckerburg is a total messer and he has a more power over me than I can understand.
8. Call me.
Sometimes I wish I lived in the 1800's just so someone could have sent me a letter with a wax stamp through a horse-riding messenger (because I definitely would have been one of the rich ones then) and I would have been able to wear one of those massive dresses and not worry about the size of my arse. My friend gave me her old iPhone which has changed my life. I can now contact people through telephone, Skype, Whatsapp, Facetime, text message, email, maybe even by post. There are people that I'm friends with on Facebook that I probably wouldn't go up to in a cafe to say hello to. I mean, if we wouldn't be comfortable Vibering each other, then what's the point?
The only thing I'm worried about is that not as many people will boredly knock into the blog. But sure, you know where to find me if you need me.